It's About Time I Started Posting Again...

I used to blog all the time. I have seven blogs, you know. And I used to get to all of them at least once a week. Now I can hardly find the time to update one blog every day. But here I go again, trying to recapture what I consider 'sanity' in my life.

Yesterday, March 20, was the nine year anniversary of my mom's passing. I can not believe that my mom has been gone for nine years. Oh how I miss her.

My poor mom was a mess. She made many bad life choices and died a painful, senseless death without any of her family or friends around her.

At the time of my mom's passing, she and I had been in a disagreement about her life style (alcoholism) and had not spoken with each other for nearly three months. I can't even recall our last conversation, but I do remember writing her a letter telling her how disappointed I was that she was not taking care of herself and that I was 'taking a break' from her until she changed her destructive habits.

Yeah... I found that letter on the mantel of her fireplace as my sis and I were cleaning up her house getting it ready to sell. It really chokes me up to think how my mom was feeling in those days leading up to her passing. How alone and abandoned she must have felt... How scared she must have been...

But the one thing that really gets me You see, is my mom didn't know the Lord. She had given up on pretty much any kind of religion. And me... I knew the Lord, but I was a weak Christian back then.(still am, in fact) I was fed up with my mom. I was worn out caring for her. I was sick and tired of her not trying to get better.

I tried to witness to her but couldn't get through... So I just gave up. I gave up on my mom. Oh I was just 'taking a break' I told myself. But I ran out of time...

And she died.

I'm really doing bad emotionally with all this right now. I still have guilt that I didn't stop my busy life for a while longer and throw myself into the woman who gave birth to me. The woman who held me in her arms as a little baby and loved me.

And now I have little doubt where her soul is resting in eternity... Oh I could have done more...

Sure, she had Free Will and made her own life decisions, but I see my mom's life as a missed opportunity.

My daddy passed away six months later. That's an entirely different story, there...

I could go on and on but I think I've spilled enough emotion for the morning. Let me close on a positive note:

I know I can't change the past. But I can make sure that history does not repeat itself. I'm not going to give up on or take a break from anyone else. I'm going to diligently seek my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, every day. In that way, I believe there will be some meaning to my mom's life and death. I know my Lord has plans to prosper me, not plans for calamity.

Dear Friends, I apologize for the 'dark' tone of my post today. I needed to write to let out some emotion. I'm better now. I believe that in our lives we are going to face struggles. But God is Good. He will never leave us or forsake us. Call upon the name of the Lord and BE SAVED...!